Are there any simple prescriptions to living life wholeheartedly, as Jesus prescribed? The short answer is, “yes.” It’s one word: Vulnerability.
It’s very hard, tough, challenging, and time consuming to work this hard with people. But, it’s worth it. I’ve seen it become reality and I’ve seen the results, personally. The safer and more vulnerable I am with someone, the more vulnerable and safer they become, and, the relationship transforms into forever affinity.
Human beings are made by God to have connection. Without it, they are lost. It’s not always about dating or marriage…it can simply be about connection with all kinds of people. It’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives and proven so neuro-biologically. Connection is received through being vulnerable.
Unfortunately, running parallel to this word, vulnerability, that allows us to live life wholeheartedly is a dark demon called shame, which is simply the fear of disconnection. It’s universal. All people experience shame and it’s those of us who experience shame more than others who have little capacity for human empathy and connection. What drives this thought process is the excruciating reality that in order to have connection, I must allow myself to be “seen” and that only happens by being vulnerable. “I may not be good enough” is an on-going battle for most people but it’s a lie because it comes from a voice from the darkness. It is mostly sub-conscious for all of us.
Shame says, “you never finished your MBA, you’ve been through a divorce, your wife left you, you don’t have a dad that ever proactively pursues you, or you never had a mom who added life-long spiritual value to your life…this is shame! When you walk into shame, you only see one person; YOU. Shame is simply a focus on self. Guilt is a focus on behavior. Two different things. Shame says, “I am bad,” guilt says, “I did something bad.” Catch this; you can’t be safe and vulnerable for others if you can’t fully embrace all of your own flaws, know them, and actively become more and more self-aware.
Women struggle in this way: Do it all, perfectly, and never let them see you sweat. It’s unattainable and that is an expectation of WHO you think you are supposed to be poured onto you by someone else.
Men struggle in this way: I’m not to be perceived as weak.
Shame is an epidemic in our culture. If we are going to find a new way back to wholehearted living, it will be with the antidote to shame, which is empathy. If you throw empathy on shame, it cannot survive. The most powerful way to help someone who is struggling, is to say, “me too.”
Dr. Brene Brown has the research to prove that people who do life with wholeheartedness have several characteristics they have learned to employ through being vulnerable:
1.Courage- to tell their story of who they are with their whole heart and they have the courage to be imperfect. In other words, imperfect is ok. Imperfect is allowable. Imperfect lets me become more loved by others because it gives them the same permissions.
2.Compassion-to be kind to themselves first and then to others because we can’t practice compassion with other people if we can’t treat ourselves kindly.
3.Connection-this comes as a result of authenticity. In other words, when you are authentic with someone in a conversation, that means you are willing to let go of what you think the other person thinks you are and thinks you should be, in order to be who you really are; imperfect and all!
4.Vulnerability- wholehearted living people fully embraced it and they believed that what made them vulnerable makes them beautiful!! It makes you human. It makes you real. It gives you the most influence you will ever have. Here’s the downside; if someone “writes you off” because of your risk to be vulnerable, they are not who you need in your life going forward anyway.
- Be willing to say “I love you” first.
- Be willing to do something when there are no guarantees.
- Be willing to breathe through waiting for a potential negative doctor’s report
- Be willing to invest in a relationship that may never reciprocate
This will lead to Spiritual Awakening and living in Freedom…
According to the extensive research provided by Dr. Brown, she concludes, these are the reasons we suffer with not being so good at vulnerability:
1.We numb vulnerability
We can’t ask for help. We can’t initiate sex with our spouse. We can’t ask someone out on a date for fear of being turned down. We can’t work for fear of being laid off. What she found was, you cannot selectively numb emotions. Eating won’t do it, alcohol won’t do it, nothing will do it. When you try to numb certain vulnerabilities, you also numb everything else in your life-joy, gratitude, happiness. That simply equals MISERY in life. And, then, you cycle back and do it all over again.
2.We make everything that is un-certain, certain
We do this with religion; I’m right, you’re wrong. This is what politics looks like today; no conversation, only blame. Our job is to say, “You know what, you are imperfect and you are wired for struggle but you are worthy of love and belonging.” But, what do we do? We blame others, we use perfection, we pretend.
There is a better way!
Solution: Just decide to be authentic and real and say, “Me too.” Let yourself be seen. Live with your whole heart and practice gratitude. Love with your whole heart even though there is no guarantee. Very difficult. Say, “I am enough.” Don’t be afraid to speak about your imperfections. To feel this vulnerable means you are fully alive! This is wholehearted living!
