It’s taken me years to further understand deficits in my own life; wounds, scars, scratches, holes in my armor…Dr. John Gottman calls them “enduring vulnerabilities.” We all have them and they are unavoidable due to the fact that the first generation up from us, (our parents), have them, their parents had them, and their parents had them…well, you get the point. They come in all shapes and sizes and you have them too, regardless if you have ever dug in deep enough to find them. They are upon us due to anything that shaped us in childhood and even as we grew up to be older…things like sports, peers, school, events, overconfidence, losing a contest, having a boyfriend or girlfriend, family, parents, uncles, aunts, siblings, culture you grew up around, etc. One great way to discover is through an exercise called The Genogram. The scripture describes these repetitive cycles of negative in our lives as “generational curses.” They are passed down; some knowingly but most subconsciously and often without understanding from the giver and receiver. They are detected through our actions, reactions, and over-reactions. When you have a reaction or over-reaction, this means that it’s not more about the circumstance or person that was involved, it means that over-reaction is more about YOU, and most likely if you dig down deep and “peel away the onion,” as my friend Russ West commonly calls it, you can get close to why you repeat these reactions and over-reactions.
As I’ve “peeled back the onion” on myself, one wound I can pretty readily identify is what some would call an inadequate wound – that means I struggle knowing if I am good enough and/or if I can do “it” (whatever “it” is) well enough to ever achieve “the” standard of excellence or to achieve what I expect of myself or even others; that drives me to live in the land of “never enough.” It leads to a desire for perfection; it can all lead to a success definition that is just not attainable. It’s not healthy. Therefore, it can cause me to miss the small things, the moments, the present, if you will, and even go OCD on what I expect from others. It skews my management of my own expectations.
I’m pretty sure I can trace it back to a very competitive sports and peer environment that I grew up around in Hattiesburg, MS. Back then, even at 7, 8, 9, 10 years old, we had gobs of boys playing every sport all over town, in all of our yards, all the time. We would appoint two captains, and then they chose their team. I remember the pressure of waiting to see when you were chosen. If you went early, you were considered “good.” If you went late, you hung your head a little in shame. Over time, without me even knowing, I was being shaped…for me, it forged this inadequacy vulnerability. It would take years to even see it. It would then show up in elementary school on the playground because that same vying for position to prove I was “good” now had a “cute girl” audience watching, and of course, I wanted to impress. As I look back, this combination of “proving ground” morphed into fights after school for the expressed purpose and reason to prove I was “good.”
Without doing the “work” on oneself, people often end up in many different marriages and unhappiness due to the fact that we take ourselves everywhere we go and if we fail to do the “work” inside, we keep repeating our “enduring vulnerabilities.” It’s been said that if A has a problem with B and A has a problem with C and A has a problem with D, something might need to be worked on inside of A. Why not stay where you are…you’ve invested a lot of time, energy, and money in what and where you are. Start with you! God can do anything in less than 10 seconds. Believe.
Martin Buber sums being present this way, “There is something that can only be found in one place. It is a great treasure, which may be called the fulfillment of existence. The place where this treasure can be found is the place on which one stands.” The great treasure of being present. The great treasure of being glad to be alive. The great treasure of heartfelt joy. To be here. Now. This is good news.
Alfred E. Neuman nailed it when he said, “Most of us don’t know what we want in life, but we’re sure we haven’t got it.” Here is the ultimate purpose: to let God in. But we can let God in only where we really stand, where we live, where we live a true life.
Terry Hershey has some great insight on this concept to the point that he shares, “I spend the first part of the morning wandering in my garden and looking for miracles.” Rich! The treasure (of being present) is alive and well, inside us.
When we see only scarcity, of what we don’t have, we then let anger or blame have its way. It shrinks up our capacity to love.
He says, “Whenever my mind goes to the ‘never enough’ phase; I must wonder whether I have the capacity to absorb mercy.” So, mercy is the potential antidote to “never enough.” Stay with me.
What do you mean “absorbing mercy?”
Anne Lamott says, “All one must do to hit the reset button is to love mercy.” In other words, “the creation begins to FLOAT by” versus RUSHING past us.
Sometimes this “mercy” is an eagle in the air, your garden, flowers, hamburgers, fall football, beach, beauty, cherry pie, calm, birds, sounds, senses, sex, sometimes its forbearance, coffee on the patio, sweet tea, peach cobbler, Dr. Pepper, YouTube videos that make you cry, an old friends compliment of you, a card or note from your child, a simple calling of your name by your grandchild, playfulness with your spouse, walking in the rain, stamina, eyeglass wipes, peaches, memory of picking apples out of your grandmother’s tree, heat, cold, five-o’clock, or even a second wind. THIS is mercy absorption; remembering and breathing in the fact that God gave you (all of this) what you don’t deserve!!!
As you begin honoring all of the “stuff” in your present moment with gratitude, it leads to “mercy absorption” which leads to overcoming your wound. What is honored will be cultivated. Honoring is a verb. They are revealed by actions and choices. If I don’t sit long enough to see, I miss the meaning and I miss the mercy. I don’t deserve these little things. Living in the present moment is success. Thomas Merton said, “Everything has already been given. What we need is to live into it.”
What did you see today that made your heart glad?
Here’s the deal: Only in the simplicity of the ordinary, the mundane, the simple things, the uncertain, the vulnerable, the awkward, the small, can life be fully embraced. Terry says it well, “Mercy cannot be found outside the constraints of everyday life. It is discovered and felt and absorbed in the back and forth, the messiness, and the pudginess of life.”
Jim Harrison reminded us, “Paying attention is the only game in town.”
I’ve had many conversations and advice-giving, through the years, from my mom and dad and it has always involved paying attention. They have spent countless hours pouring in knowledge, wisdom, love, and advice. I have sought it. The counseling they have given me has always been based around scripture and not of their own “bent.” Not one time do I remember them not paying attention. They have listened intently. It goes without saying that the wisdom they have given me has been given out of experiences of their own, both good and bad, ditches they have been in and others they have avoided, and also heartaches and brokenness. Both have been teachers most of their lives, so personal experiences are often identified, clarified, and shared as examples in teaching others, which has been beneficial to me. In recent years, it’s been fascinating to discover more and more of what they see as “wounds” in their own lives and in the upline of generations before them. This has been how I’ve grown the most; listening to vulnerability. It creates a connection, as we discovered in the last blog post. Parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents are great resources to help you discover your own “deficits” and “wounds” along the way and often best achieved through asking questions. As you dig into your family of origin, refuse the fear of this causing disrespect to anyone. In fact, it is just the opposite because anything you do about you, and improve upon from your past influences, is only improving the legacy of your own parents, and, they should be proud for you to discover their hiccups so that you don’t have to keep repeating them in your own life. I know Kim and I feel this way for us, our kids, and grandkids.
So, how do we stay away from “Never Enough?”As a believer, yes, we have a seat reserved at the table of eternity which is something to really look forward to. In addition, we have so many family and friends we’d like to strike up a conversation with once again. However, living in the present is not about a punched ticket to the next life, but a front row center ticket to this one. Yes, this life has financial hardships, prematurely lost family member, demanding children, broken dreams, traffic stops, long lines, and unforeseen disease.
Albert Einstein once said, “Not everything that can be counted, counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.”
Terry Hershey shares a great story about a man whose wife contracted Alzheimer’s…as she arrived at the final stage, he would visit her everyday at noon. He found himself in the E.R. after a car accident but told the nurse he had to leave to see his wife at noon. The nurse told him he could be a little late, that he had to be tended to. She said, “It’s ok, hon, you can relax. If she doesn’t recognize you anyway, there is no harm in being late.” He replied, “No, I need to be there because I recognize her.”
Ah, living in the present is just simple but profound success.
What we really need to do is hit a reset button.
One of the challenges Terry Hershey confirms for us all, is that we have a hard time being in the present because we are too busy not being at home in our own skin. We are busy being what “they” out there think we need to be, and we are busy trying to keep our “image” protected in front of “they” even though we don’t know who “they” is. “They” are imposters in our lives! “They” invisibly terrorize us. “They” keep us from letting the weight of a picture fall on the timeline of our social media due to the fact we don’t think we look good, when in summary, “they” don’t get a vote. “They” don’t care about you as much as you think “they” do. What are “they” going to do, call someone and say, “Did you see Sally, she looks terrible?” Maybe, but you will never know it. Maybe not, but you will never know it. “They” will never tell you how bad you look. “They” will never tell you how good you look. So, why do you care? It’s the most absurd way to live by anyone’s standards. It is hypnotizing and paralyzing. YOU are YOU because of HIM, our heavenly Father. YOU are not YOU because of them…enjoy your life, your wife, your spice. Here’s why: No one has the same lens by which they see things. Let it go!!! Then, you find FREEDOM!
You can’t live your life through any “they” lens. Instead, decide that you can live your life through God’s lens of you, your lens of you, and the person’s (spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend) lens of you, whom you value, when you can’t trust your own.
Terry goes on to write, “If you continue to live life through that invisible ‘they’ lens, you are living your life as a false self. When we give in to some default mechanism, always looking over our shoulder to see if we pass (social media) muster or social acceptance, social routine, or public opinion of the ‘what they will think group,’ then you are choosing who you will dance for.”
Living for “they” indicates some issues you have deep within that come to your adult life from your childhood “original family,” as Pete Scazzero call it. As you tap into your “new family” of Christ, you can defeat this enemy. It doesn’t mean the issue is drastically terrible, it just means that something along the way triggered you to form a neural pathway that is very concerned about protecting your image. Again, Gottman refers to them as “enduring vulnerabilities.” We all struggle with this to some degree, but there is change available and hope.
Don’t create any scaffolding to prop up your glittering image. If single, your image matters only to you and God. If married, your image matters to you, God, and spouse. Stop living under the fear of imperfection. It all starts when I buy into the myth that all of this “stuff” is all there is to my identity. And when I submit to the expectations of invisible old high school friends or college friends or family, who can serve as “they” in my life and who can subconsciously fabricate an image for me, I fall short of my best self.
So well said by Terry, “We can all feel undeserving, under a microscope, or inadequate. So. Stop. Literally stop.”
Invitation: Today, let us dig for that treasure “at home,” in our own skin. When I am not “at home” I react, I live defensive, I project, I live afraid, I push people away, I label you as a threat. True change happens when we shift the focus from what is on the outside to what is on the inside. The goal is not to get somewhere. The goal is not about forcing something to happen. The goal is to be in harmony with the person and the gifts God made you to be, that started getting skewed by the environment you came up around, just moments after you were born. The goal is to find your way back to the original intent God had in mind for you. To give up our false obsession to our so-called “image” may feel like a fall from grace, but in the end, we will then embrace the day from an authentic self. That self is okay. It is good. It is on a journey to go higher. It’s where you are right now. Own that. It’s authentic. It’s vulnerable. As you morph, you will discover that the very TRUE self of YOU has been there all along; just covered up by religion, bad advice, false narrative, traditions, and YOU. You influence more people with this “you.”
What to do? Allow yourself to be “enchanted” every day of every week. Get giddy occasionally, laugh sometimes, cry hard once in a while, smile big, hug hard, kiss long, savor, empathize, decide, do it anyway, stand strong, turn your phone off once a week, no tweets today, rest, stay longer, leave now, come back later than you planned, decide to believe you will get older but will never age (it’s all a number), and whatever else you can think of. Live spontaneously! Stop once in a while and watch the clouds roll in the southern sky, watch a sunset and always be mesmerized, go for a drive, feel the wind, stomp your foot in a mud puddle all over again, smell the red dirt on a baseball field, fill your lungs with air, and listen to the tree frogs at night. THIS, puts the world you live in on center stage. THIS, helps you absorb the full weight of the moment.
One final formula to change these things in YOU: Andy Stanley writes in his book, “Principle of the Path” about how the “cumulative value of time” is so important when we do the small things consistently. You can change anything over a period of time! Let the continual discipline of “doing the small things now” compound the interest of change for you by doing the work over and over and over until you change whatever it is you desire to change.
Just go be human. Wounds turn to scars which turn to lighter scars, to the point of barely being recognizable later in life…IF, you do the “work.”
Jesus loved what was right in front of him…
Be a safe place for someone. Be vulnerable and share your crap to help someone. Remember to say, “me too.” It works.
